Herban Sprawl

This past year I experienced a disappointment. Not a little one, mind you. Rather the kind that makes a person suck in her breath and wonder ‘what the hell just happened here?’ The result was spending way too much time and energy contemplating the situation and wondering what to do about it. The answer, by the way, was that I knew I couldn’t do anything about it, but like all worrywarts, I seem to be programmed to ruminate ad nauseum regardless.

Some time ago I was given a set of angel cards by an interesting lady who reads tarot cards. During one of the rounds of cleaning my “awfiss,” the angel cards surfaced and I pulled one. This has been going on for several months now. I pull a card, park it on my computer keyboard and think about it. It’s been a helpful exercise for meditation, actually, even though it probably sounds pretty flaky. My most recent card is Acceptance and I’ve had it here for a few weeks now, trying to figure out the message. Today, while I was enjoying a Christmas Eve bubble bath, it came to me.

Part of my confusion stemmed from the picture on the card, because it seemed to be suggesting I do something in order to be accepting. But today the idea that wafted up into my consciousness from the fragrant  bubbles was that I had already done what was in the picture and that now I just needed to accept the fact that “it is what it is.”

Like a lot of people, I worry about being fair. I worry about being kind. I also worry about having a reputation for being outspoken. It’s a fairly earned one, but it also comes with a guarantee that when I’m wrong about something, I am not afraid to admit it and make amends, if I can. So my discomfort has been a matter of worrying that I had failed in one of those areas. However a word floated up out of the lavender bubbles. Betrayal.

I am a huge whodunit fan. I roar through mysteries left and right. My grandma read true crime, my mother loved mysteries, and I am likewise addicted. Mysteries generally involve a murder, but murder isn’t the pivot for any of those plots. It’s betrayal. Either someone has been betrayed, is being betrayed, suspects betrayal, is contemplating betrayal of someone else or is intent upon preventing a possible betrayal. Whatever the case, betrayal is bad news. Suspicion of betrayal erodes even the best of human relationships. Fear of betrayal causes relationships to slide into the sewer toute suite.  And that’s what the bubbles revealed to me. I felt betrayed.

Trying to forgive a wrongdoing is hard work, but make that wrongdoing some form of betrayal and it’s darn near impossible. It doesn’t stop us from the effort, nor should it. To err is human, to forgive divine. Or, as my wise little mom would exhort, “Forgive and forget!” Mom had it right, but betrayal is tough, especially when the betrayal came after having done everything possible to be good to that other person. And I’m not talking about being good to someone in order to elicit something in return - no indeed. I’m talking about the kind of good we are to those we love and care about - the unconditional variety.

So as I luxuriated in my bubbles, I considered the situation. I’d left the door open, I had continued to do as I had always done. I’d made a concerted effort to behave as though nothing was the matter and I was still feeling pain. The answer is clear. Acceptance. Acceptance of a situation having shifted, acceptance that some people are clueless about having caused pain (myself included), and acceptance that things are going to be different. My door needs to remain open, but I have to accept that things won’t go back to where they were before. As Cherie wisely commented when I told her about my discovery, “It is what it is. You can’t change it. You did what you could. Now you just have to accept it and move on.”

The next time I feel guilty about buying an expensive bottle of Perlier Lavender Bubble Bath, I’m going to weigh it against the cost of a therapist. I’m thinking a hot bubble bath is not only cheaper, but much more satisfying!